You meet someone. The two of you go on a couple of dates. Things seem to be going just fine and as a result, you’ve actually started to become quite fond of this person. Then the calls stop, and so do the text. All form of communication ceases and you realize that this person moonlights as a magician performing act of grander. Their most recent trick… disappearing.
Yes, you’ve been ghosted. Or as I like to call it- Houdini’ed. You know, like Nate just did Issa on the third season of Insecure. And did you see her reaction? Baby girl (Issa) totally lost all sense of… well… sense! She paid a visit to this man’s house (one that she had never been to in any other episode, so it safe to assume she looked it up), with her best friend in tow, pushed her way passed his roommate and performed a thorough inspection of Nate’s room. She would still be in there had it not been for Molly dragging her out of the house and forbidding her to go back in (thank god for friends who are ride or die, but will also let you know when enough is enough).
I’m not totally sure why, but being ghosted brings out the crazies in us. We become compulsive (like Issa). There are levels to our irrationality and trying to piece the puzzle together- the most concerning one being self-questioning. We begin questioning our own judge of character and worthiness. We ponder on the notion that there is something about us that caused the person to vanish.
To answer those self-belittling questions – YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Someone ghosting you has nothing in the world to do with you. It has everything to do with that person’s cowardliness. Someone not having the balls to inform you “hey I don’t think this is going to work,” and giving you the opportunity to seek clarity for your own emotional being, after spending ample amounts of your time is not because you are lacking something, or that you aren’t good enough. It actually shows their lack of care for you and your emotional being. So please, no self-deprecating… ok?
Ghosting can leave psychological scars and bruises
Why Guys Ghost
There are a few reasons guys pull this act. The top one being they lose interest. For whatever reason, the excitement or desire that was initially there fades and with that, so do they. Why does it fade, well in my experience, there was someone else AND I was later told that it just wasn’t going to work (no explanation, just that they realized it wasn’t going to work. And yes, it has happened to me more than once).
Also, when guys ghost in the beginning they feel as though it’s early on and it would just be easier to cut their losses. With it being early on, they feel that they owe nothing. Here’s a prime example:
I was listening to a radio show on the way to work where a woman called in and told a story of how the guy she was seeing disappeared on her. She just wanted an explanation in which the radio hosts assisted her with seeking out. They called the guy and he explained that the reason he got missing was because of her alarm clock. It went off four times and after the third night that they spent together he just couldn’t take it, but he didn’t know how to tell her it wasn’t going to work- because of her alarm clock (given the reason, I can see why he wouldn’t want to face her. It was ridiculously juvenile). Rather than explaining this to her, he just cut his losses.
Then again, it can be well into a relationship and something in them just snaps… here’s another example:
Another woman called into the radio station complaining that she hadn’t heard from her boyfriend in two weeks and she feared that he had ghosted her. They had been together for a year and a half and when the radio station contacted him he told them his reason for ghosting was that it was over (yet he hadn’t informed her). What was this reason for it being over? She wanted to name the dog that they were adopting together “pumpkin” and he thought it was a stupid name.
I don’t need to discuss this any further.
Why Women Ghost
As bad as I view ghosting to be, unfortunately there have been times that I’ve ghosted men out of forgetfulness to respond. Let’s say at the time of the text, they just weren’t high on the totem pole, so I went without responding and when I thought back to do so, I was too ashamed to say anything. This usually happens if I’m pre-occupied – with another guy that is.
Let’s face it when just starting out dating, chances are you are seeing more than one person. In my case of playing the role of Casper, it happens when my focus has been diverted somewhere else.
Why Does Ghosting Suck So Much?
Let’s be real… being ghosted SUCKS. I mean, it feels really bad! Some feel that ghosting is the worst form of torture that dating can offer up (I would happen to agree). The ambiguity leaves you restless and seeking to find answers that will never come. Let’s not forget that it’s a form of rejection, which, for those of us who aren’t desensitized to it, can be painful. Psychology Today, states that ghosting can leave psychological bruises and scars. Some even consider it be a form of abuse.
To all the singles out there who are navigating the world of dating, if you happen to get ghosted, just remember it usually has more to do with them than you.