As we go through the world of dating, it is easy to get caught in the weeds. Especially, when you are minding your own business. You are out here, striving to be your best self and wanting to see the good in others when you are thrown a monkey wrench. Your hope is that the law of attraction will come into play and the best you will attract the best of someone else. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that perfect world that we all dream of; and I’m thankful for that because there would be no Lovetails. What I am trying to say is -Yes, the best you appeals to the undesirables too!
Part of me being the best me I can be, is smiling and greeting strangers on my walk into the work place. Especially those that you walk pass every morning. A simple “Good Morning” or a wave with a smile, may be just what a person needs to get over that morning hump.
Well I am now aware how my simple hello can be misconstrued into something more than what it is. See, I’ve been told that I am way too nice- by a colleague that is after she witnessed my morning greeting to the security guards that badge us in every morning. It’s safe to say that I got the point when one of the guards handed me a bouquet of flowers one morning on my way into the building- with the same hand that held his ring finger.
Yes, the best you appeals to the undesirables too!
So wait… I can’t say good morning or go to coffee with a colleague without someone assuming that it is such advances are permissible in a work environment?
Coffee breaks? Wait, where did that come from? Here’s the story:
I was on an assignment for another division in my organization. Here I had a chance to write blogs and op-eds bylined by… let’s just say “high ranking officials .” I took pride in this work 1) I felt like I was making a difference by covering the positive impact of one of the most important pieces of legislation and 2) My work was aligned with the mission of the president at the time, which just happens to be my president then, now, and forever (one time for number 44).
I knew this was an assignment for a short period of time, and given the fact that I wanted to stay in that division, I had to appeal to the team. I wanted to be an asset that they just couldn’t lose. In my short time there, I made friends with the young yuppies that were the director and deputy director- a Caucasian woman and man, both in their late 20s from middle America. They both were extremely cool, down to earth, and fresh off the Obama campaign.
Well my plan did NOT work in my favor as the director not only wouldn’t approve my re-assignment, he came and asked for me to go back to my originating office. Once I returned my to my originating office, I started getting emails from the Deputy Director- the guy. Just friendly emails. I thought, “This is a networking opportunity! Yes! Let me stay in touch with this man. Who knows if I’ll ever want to try and make a permanent move.” Who wouldn’t have that train of thought? I mean he already knew my capabilities and my writing style.
Moving on, our interactions went from email exchanges let’s say once a week, to him reaching out through email more than once a week. From there he started asking me to walk to Starbucks and grab an afternoon pick me up. The afternoon coffee breaks led to him asking to come back to my office to hide away. I really should’ve paused when he found me on both Facebook and IG.
A few times he asked “Please come back to the 6th floor. We need you down here.”
I responded saying, “Got a job for me? Can’t come until then.”
At some point, I started to feel a little weird about our interactions, and when relayed that to the same colleague who told me that I was too nice, I was told that I was thinking too hard and that he was just REALLY nice. Which was true. He was nice! Like too nice for his own good. Or at least I thought.
Then one day he was in my office for one of those moments that he claimed he was trying to escape. I was just returning from the gym, which is how I spend my lunch periods. So, he took this opportunity to suggest that we have a competition to see who would go to the gym the most. Once again I didn’t think of it as anything since we had a weight loss competition with the whole team prior to my departure. The conversation went like this:
Me: How do we win?
Him: Whoever works out the most gets the prize.
Me: Ok, but I’m going to win.
Him: I’ll let you believe that. What’s going to be my prize?
As I was contemplating on what could possibly be a consolation prize, I noticed him moving closer to me and then he whispered,
Him: “A kiss?” as he continued to lean in.
A level of nervousness accompanied his suggestion. The sweaty, trembling lip gave that away. I guess he already knew it was foolery.
I quickly blocked his advance with my hand and as if I didn’t know what he asked I responded, “huh?”
He stopped repeated “A kiss.”
“No”. I thought that was an acceptable response. And then he followed it up with
Ummm… maybe because I’m in a relationship, OR maybe because of that picture of you and YOUR WIFE on your desk. DUDE, YOU HAVE A WHOLE MARRIAGE and we refer to your other half on a regular basis.
WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM.
Well, he got the point after I said “No” for the third time. My RBF (Resting Bitch Face that I’m also told I have) probably added to the level of seriousness in that third rejection. To the point where he left my office by excusing himself before he did anything else dumb.
This nut was so bold that he didn’t care that I could possibly go to HR with a sexual harassment case and I have emails as evidence?
Did I, no. Maybe I AM too nice.
Did I do anything wrong? No!
To assume an unwelcomed advance is your fault is absurd. And NO… it’s not because I am too nice. I didn’t ask for that, nor did I give any inclination that I wanted things to go that route. So, the idea that I’m too nice is not my problem but theirs. Still, the woman was to blame. And it was from ANOTHER WOMAN!
As women, we have it hard enough in the work place. Unfortunately, it’s a struggle for equal pay, to be taken seriously, to be viewed as equals to men. Then on the other hand, if the woman has a position holding a certain level of status, she is then deemed an un-relatable hag who needs the “D”. What I’m saying is that it is hard enough for us women to just let our work speak for itself without having to worry about getting hit on. Hey, but some enjoy it. To each it’s own!
In retrospect, I couldn’t imagine working under him and him asking me this. I thank God from blocking that move. What I thought was being formed against me was being used for my protection. #JustSaying