Ladies, this is our Reality Check-list.

Last time we talked, I discussed negative stereotype of the independently strong woman.  I went further to discuss how I don’t view myself as the stereotype “I am woman hear me roar” in which is associated with independent women.

Since then, I asked a few guys what’s an independent woman to them. Responses varied from monetary things, to her being financially sufficient, to her simply being an adult and handling her business (which was the most succinct response).

If you were to ask me, I would tell you that the term independent, when applied to a woman, refers to a mindset. She’s a woman with her own ideas, her own mind, and a sense of self.  As I mentioned before, we are the women who do for ourselves because that’s all we know how to do and we aren’t going to sit around and wait for anyone to save us.  An independent woman is whole- meaning men don’t complete us, they compliment us and vice versa.

But what are the things that make men turn away from this woman?  This is when I had to take a look at myself and a few of my girlfriends and pinpoint the actions that may signify the lack of need or want of assistance from men.  If you are anything like me, you do some of these actions without realizing that you are doing them. Do you notice the energy that you emanate may be off putting? No.  The actions that mean nothing to you are significant to the man that you may be seeing.

That lead me to ask the guys what are some of the things we as women can improve on.  Here are 9 actions that can be adjusted:

Opening doors for yourself.

I know this one to be true.  This may not ruffle every man’s feather, but for one guy I went out with a couple of times, it did.  This man was a gentleman, to say the least.  He was mild tempered, always smiling, and sweet with a great sense of humor. This was until we were walking into the movies and I opened not one, but both doors for myself. I witnessed another side of that I never had as he went from the sweet gentleman to Hulk — you know the docile and pleasant Avenger who gets pissed and grows into a massive green thing.

Unintentionally on my part, Hulk greeted me once again.  On our second date, I triggered him again.  That’s when he asked, “Korrie, what the f!*$ did I tell you.”  And since I could see his shirt begin to rip at the seams and the veins in his muscles start to bulge, I corrected myself by turning around and walked back out so that he could open the door for me. Only then did he return to normal.

Not that I didn’t want him to, I just wasn’t realizing what I was doing.

Meeting him at the location. 

Back in the day, a man would come to your home, ring the doorbell, walk you to the car, open the car door, close the car door, drive to your destination, drive you back home, walk you to your door, and maybe get a good night kiss. Well, in my opinion, we as women have made things easier for men. We allow these old-fashion acts of chivalry to be replaced with a text giving a place and time. In response, we meet at the location (honestly, it’s a safety thing for me — I don’t know you and like Pam from Martin, I don’t allow strangers to know where I live).

Having your own.

Monetary possession applies here.   You have your own home, or apartment, car, job, money, etc.  We get caught up in what we have and think that is the reason that we are a good catch.  We don’t realize, for some men, this can be intimidating.  Even if she is humbled, the man may feel like she doesn’t need him.  Like the ex of mine that I mentioned in the last post, you can find that here.

In his case, of having an issue with me make my house a home and purchasing necessities such as a couch and a dining room set, made him feel as if he wasn’t needed.  As if I am supposed to sit around and wait for him to fulfill our every need.

Taking Control.

Some of us show action that suggests that we prefer to lead and not follow by domineering the entire situation.  For one of my girlfriends, she realized that she needed to take a different approach when her current husband (at the time they were still courting) asked her if she wanted the p*&!y and the d!@k.

As women, a lot of times we know what we want. We have an idea of how something should go, so we take the driver’s seat. Now if we are smart, we will allow them to feel that they are the engine. Unfortunately, I missed that mark in my last relationship. For example, I took on the planning of our dates, vacations, outings with his son, I even planned my surprise birthday party (unbeknownst to him, I gave the guest list, cake preference, place, time, what gift I wanted, etc.).  I’m positive these actions made him feel as though there was no need for him to step up because “Korrie has it.”

Some of us show action that suggests that we prefer to lead and not follow by domineering the entire situation.

That’s just a piece of it. I am also accustomed to getting the job done.  So, I don’t realize that in all of my “doing”- which can be misconstrued (by the wrong one) with “taking over.” I give off the impression that I have things taken care of.  It wasn’t until it was brought to my attention by a friend when I was complaining about his “lack of doing” that it was me- not him (I’ll still say that he was trifling.  He could’ve just told me to take a couple of seats).

Satisfying ourselves.

Some women feel as though masturbation is a way of owning her own sexuality.  It is also a way to get the job done when you’re single so that you don’t give it up to the first suitor. Women no longer needing men for sexual satisfaction leads to the egos of men hit an all-time low let alone making the very foundation of humanity crumble.

To make matters worse for guys, women don’t need men to reproduce anymore.  I’ve been told multiple times, by girlfriends and matriarchal woman family members, that if it comes down to it, just have a baby on my own.  Not sure how that would make a guy feel, but I guess it’s damn emasculating.

By the way, I have no desire to go with these suggestions.  I’m all for adopting or being a foster parent, but that’s just to help someone out.

Telling them how strong and independent you are.

Stop this.  Just stop.  Don’t utter it one more time if you’ve already have done so.  Your level of independence adds to your strength, which is determined by your actions.

Being Self-righteous. And thinking that we know it all: Again, be humble.  If you didn’t have more to learn your time on earth is over.  Furthermore, no one wants a know it all, men nor women. It’s just annoying.  Don’t be my girl who’s relationship ended because she couldn’t admit that she was wrong.  Please make sure your disposition is tact.

So, if we don’t need the male species for reproduction, sex, and finances; furthermore, we already know everything where exactly do they fit in our lives?

The Key:

Be self-sufficient.  No need to reiterate it though.  Be the strong woman that you are, but also know when and how to fall back.  Giving ourselves a sense of security is what we are supposed to do.  Just don’t use your strength to intimidate or control.  If you are doing something unknowingly and it’s brought to you attention, be willing to modify your approach.

Ladies, to make these changes, we must identify and be prepared to accept our insufficiencies.  So, be open to your experiences and take a look at how we come off.  By being open, you allow room for growth in the journey to becoming the best version of you.

XOXO,

KC