I know I’ve hit on this before, but when you have an end goal of marriage in mind, one must purposefully date. Right…We get that.
So, of course, while watching OWN’s new series titled “Black Love”– featuring celebrity couples and their experience in marriage- this came back across my mind. In last night’s premier the couples talked about how they met and how they came to the realization that their spouse was meant to be their life partner.
Clips from two women, Vanessa Bell Calloway and Viola Davis really stuck with me. They were all about openness and honesty. These women expressed how these two attributes ease the process of dating and open the door for more.
Let’s start with the Coming to America Star, Ms. Calloway. When dating her now husband, he proposed they live together upon moving to LA from NY. Being old fashion and listening to what her mother had told her, Sister girl gave him the stipulation that she was not going to be a live in girlfriend forever. The mere fact of living with a man that was not her husband wasn’t appealing to her in the first place. So before they moved in together, she informed him that if he falls in love with her, she was going to need him to have the courage to tell her. On the other hand, she told him if he decides that he no longer wants to be in that relationship, then be honest and up front with her, therefore not wasting each other’s time. They moved in June and were engaged in September.
I could appreciate that story. What I took from the first part of her statement was that one should be open and vulnerable enough to show how you really feel. I’ll admit, I’ve had issues with vulnerability in the past, but never did I think that I would have to tell my significant other to TELL ME how he felt about me.
It took my ex, which I mentioned in Part 1, a year and a half to tell me that he loved me. I remember one night him telling me “Good night my love. Whew… do you know how long I’ve wanted to say that.” All I could do at that point was look at him. Unbeknownst to him, by then, I was exhausted with his non-communicating ass.
See, all the time that he took to express himself because he was so called “scared of being hurt again”, pushed me further away with the thoughts of “this man can’t possibly love me”. By the time he expressed himself, I had entered a place of a blah lowercased “yay” with an upside down smiley faced Emoji.
Even Devon Franklin expressed how he thought what he was feeling was silly and how Megan Good had to finish his sentence when he went to tell her how he felt. So, I get it, there may be some apprehension, but closed mouths don’t get fed. Don’t speak up, you’ll get left behind.
Don’t be like my ex who allowed his fear of being hurt to push me away. No one wants to be hurt. Hopefully that is not part of the process. All I’m saying is if you feel the slightest chance that the feeling may be mutual (don’t just start falling for people who don’t feel the same way about you), share it with that person. Chances are you will feel good about it in the end. Even if it doesn’t work out, you can walk away knowing that you did everything possible and there was no questioning how you felt.
The second part of her statement was all about “I don’t have time to play games with you sir.” Here she was informing him that she was not willing to stay in something that wasn’t going anywhere.
Um… we ladies know, and men can attest, that if it is going good men will go along for the ride until the ride stops and they are forced to make a decision on whether to stay on or get off. Calloway’s caveat made it known to him that this wasn’t just a fun ride that he was on. If he decided that he wasn’t going to make her an honest woman, then he was to let her know and they would go their separate ways.
Well during those 6 months of living together, he took comfort in waking up with her and her making sure that he left for work with a full stomach at 5am. Now the writing was on the wall, this brother knew what he had to do if he wanted that permanent comfort.
Takes me to my second point:
You can be a great catch. But if you don’t force him to take you seriously, there’s a chance that never will. For guys, communicate the level of seriousness you are taking in your relationship too. She can have the tendency to do the same thing if she knows you aren’t in it for the long haul. If she knows chances are she will oblige. The other couples in last night’s episode, the men took the lead in telling the lady that he wanted to take things serious and see where they went.
As for Oscar winning Davis, she stated that her credit was bad and that she was too embarrassed to even date her husband knowing her financial situation. Realizing that he was a good catch, she came clean about her situation, and do you know what he had the nerve to tell her? “SO.”
He moved forward by saying we will do everything using my credit. He told her that when I said that I loved you that meant that I loved all of your flaws too. Davis went further to express that when her husband entered her life, it became better! Her anxiety subsided, she became more confident, etc.
I loved their story for one reason.
We are all out her trying to have a perfect façade. When we open ourselves up and let our significant other see our flaws, it gives us the permission to be who we are and the courage to make improvements. It also wipes away the doubt and fear. I don’t know for sure, but I can infer that Davis’s husband telling her that her bad credit wasn’t a deal breaker gave her courage and built her confidence she needed to become the star that she is.
Like I mentioned above, I have had my own issues with being vulnerable. I’ll admit I can be prideful and stubborn. That has gotten me NO WHERE (except for writing these blogs about the should’ve, could’ve, would’ves).
From experience I know the feeling of someone lacking the capability to express one’s feelings. A relationship without that level of vulnerability feels like being in limbo. From watching the series premier last night and seeing the couples that go the distance, it’s all about taking off the mask!