Now, ladies listen up!

Last week, while over for a visit, a friend expressed her frustration with her latest conquest that ended too abruptly. Per usual, she had no idea why.

While working on a show (they are both actors), she met a guy who caught her attention. As time progressed, he too, expressed his interest.  Their courtship started with spontaneous outings a couple times a week and talks on the phone every night.  The guy even expressed to her that he would sometimes get attached quickly when it comes to dating.

He had recently moved home with his parents to help them out (something that she didn’t mind because she was in a similar situation). After being on a date one evening, and while sitting in the car talking as they had become accustom to, he expressed that he didn’t want things to get old.   More specifically he expressed that he didn’t want the “after date car talk” to get old since neither of them had a place to take the other.

Her response: “Well maybe we should not see each other for like two weeks.”

First off, ladies, when we are enjoying ourselves and the man has expressed that the feeling is mutual, don’t ever just tell him “let’s stop” for some specified timeframe that we decided is reasonable. We cannot micro-manage the dating process or our relationships.  I’m no expert, but I can assure you that this is one of the quickest ways to run a man off.  I think it falls into the same category as “nagging” and being “bossy”.

My first thought was in his defense. I explained to her that when he expressed that he didn’t want things to get old, he was probably referring to not having a place to take her after a date. Considering he’s a man, his home situation probably made him feel a little insecure when dealing with a woman.

My second thought was if he was only displaying interest, why tell him to stop. So, after some digging and a few “why in the hell would you say that” reactions, she finally came clean saying that she felt like it was going too well; and ultimately she knew herself. She knew that she would start to get clingy (her exact words, not mine) because she was enjoying time spent with him on the level of what she “perceived” as too much. So, to manage her feelings and emotions, she suggested not spending as much time together.

This is a total defense mechanism. She wanted to manage her emotions, by managing him, to avoid becoming too vulnerable.   We do this a lot when dating ladies. We get something that we want, things start going well, and we get scared.  That’s ok.  Especially when it’s something that’s out of our control and for so many of us, we are used to having some level of control over our lives (or at least we think that we do).

Still, we cannot let our fear control our actions towards the men that we see as potential or just men whom we are casually dating. That will only push them away.  Resulting in what we were attempting to avoid in the first place- the feeling of disappointment and abandonment.

On the other hand, we sometimes have a preconceived notion of how things should play out, and when it deters from our mental scripts, we become not only uncomfortable, but we become mico-managers. We try to reel the situation back in and shift it in the direction in which we think it should go.  What we forget is that a man is not something that we can just check-off on our calendar or lists.  He is a human being with characteristics, emotions, habits, strengths, and short comings.  Rather than being rigid with them, and trying to make them fit our personal story, we must bend just a little.  In my friend’s case,  bending would involve an understanding of where he was coming from and being appreciative that he could express his shortcoming.

Now, if we step outside of ourselves and put things in reverse would we be ok with him making us the supporting actress of ‘Act 1 Scene 5?’ Not likely.  Reason why: we want things to play out naturally.

So, during the dating process, we must, loosen our strings just a little. It’s ok to be vulnerable. And if it ends in disappointment, learn from it, get back up, and move ON TO THE NEXT.

One thing I’ve learned is that we can’t dictate other people’s actions. We can only control our own!

In doing so ladies, we need to control the urge to control and manage another human being. Let’s not be the reason that our dating experiences dissipate.  I find humor in writing about their ridiculous actions- not our mistakes!

Real talk: We must stop trying to micro-manage the dating process.

What would your advice be to her?

Xoxo,

KC