Ok… guys…again, this one is for you.

What is it when you don’t want to communicate?  Why when a woman wants to discuss something, guys have to turn it into/ try to get out of it by proclaiming it to be an argument?  Or make statements that the woman wants to create a problem or make things so-called “hard”?

Case In Point

Sigh… once again a friend and I were blowing off steam about one of her recent guy friends.  A few days prior, he seemed to be on his period which was demonstrated by his yelling and short temper.  In order to de-escalate the situation, my friend excused herself from his presence with no hurt feelings.  She just thought it best to give him a little space because clearly, something was bothering him. 

After a few days, she reached out to him and asked if he wanted to see her. 

His response:  “If you want to… I don’t want this to be hard. I won’t do hard.”

What sir???

Why Can’t We Just Talk?

From my own experiences (recent and past), I will start by explaining an issue to a guy and he will inform me he doesn’t like to argue, or I’m pressuring him.

So, we can’t have a simple conversation?  And what the hell is the fear of argument even if it turns out to be one.  Why can’t we just agree to disagree if need be?  Why can’t two “mature” adults hash something out verbally?  Wait… aren’t arguments actually a healthy part of a relationship?

There have been times where just to reach a man, I had to resort to written letters or sending long text messages/ emails, and these men haven’t even had the decency to acknowledge receiving them. They act as if I never sent anything at all.

Now, what do you think that does other than make the way I feel worse?  What that lack of action tells me is that he doesn’t care or that my feelings aren’t validated.

…And where is the accountability in all of this?  When the guy starts accusing the woman of wanting to argue and like it’s her favorite past-time, not only is he discrediting her point and diminishing her feelings, he is getting out of addressing the issue at hand.  It’s a ploy to avoid being held accountable. As a result, she ends up feeling frustrated and unheard.  So when she holds onto it and brings it up later, don’t get mad.  She tried and you put her down. 

The Truth of the Matter (according to men)

I would tell these men to just man up and confront the issues when they are presented with them, but according to psychologytoday.com, there are some deep seeded issues that begin in childhood.  Men are conditioned not to show emotion.  That lack of vulnerability has apparently handicapped the male species when they are faced with tough conversations with the opposite sex.  Yes, I am saying that men fear women.    The same species that have been starting wars since the beginning of time becomes a man-child/ babies when a woman he has a relationship with presents him with a concern.  The fear is rooted in rejection, not feeling like enough, and can’t make us happy.  These feelings typically rise to the top when arguing with women.  They feel as though they are entering into something that they will lose at its conception. (by the way, this article was written by a man). 

The truth of the matter (from a woman’s standpoint) is that she has probably doesn’t like having hard conversations either, but she realizes that her silence could cause more damage than good.

One Last Thing

It’s ok to argue.  It’s ok to talk.  It’s ok to disagree.  It doesn’t make your relationship any less of one.  It doesn’t change the way she sees you.  It actually makes your unit stronger.  Conversely, the not addressing whatever the issue is can only allow it to fester and grow.
So guys…Man Up!  For your benefit.

XO,

KC