I’m from a family of all men- meaning out of all of the grandkids and great-grandkids, I have held it down for the ladies for 30+ years. Not only am I the only woman in two generations, I am also a woman with a good number of male friends.
Once again, I had the pleasure of using those close to me as laboratory mice in my quest to figure out why men do what they do. So, what makes them chose some women as wifey and others for only physical pleasure, I was given open, honest, and candid answers. Some of which, by my age, I would hope most women know.
“I think that a lot of it is based on the timing of our life. Younger years we are exploring and getting as many conquest as possible. The older we get, we are more interested in substance.”
“In a nutshell, every woman can be a potential person to sleep with irrespective of personality. But as we mature, we start to look at other characteristics that are more significant.”
According to my nameless over thirty male friend, “In the DC area, that could go from 20 to 40 where people play around because they can.”
Still, the character of the woman matters as well as how they carry themselves. How a woman dresses, her mannerisms, her actions may make men think that a woman is less serious.
“Men treat women how they tell us or SHOW us how they should be treated. We do what you allow us to do! There are some women who are very principled and who are not sleeping around,” same nameless friend.
As the guys informed us in last week’s post, It’s All About Connection, if men find someone and we think we are ready to move forward, we focus on them and pursue.
Can you go from casual to a committed relationship?
You can! But it isn’t recommended ladies. I’ve been told, by a male friend or two (and a female friend who has been married for 20 years meaning she’s a little wiser) Whatever the mindset guys start out with, they maintain. If a guy puts you in the casual category, it’s hard for them to look at you as something serious.
However, most times look at the casual category with a physical aspect. It doesn’t always have to mean that. It could mean that you are going out and there is zero physical. Here’s what my boy had to say about casually dating a woman:
“There is a lady that I’m going out with, and that’s it. She could get it, but right now I am getting to know her. Could I see her as something more serious down the line? That’s a possibility. Ladies listen, once we get the cookies, we can get lazy. If we worked hard enough for it, and you actually enjoy the person- the sexual aspect is just the icing on the cake and not the actual prize. “
This same friend went further to say that casual dating a guy (with sex involved) can happen, turn into a committed relationship. Still, it happens better when you are just hanging out and sex comes later vs. it being a sexual relationship turned relationship.
“You know there aren’t a whole bunch of mixed feelings and emotions that stain the process. Many times women will decide “well we are doing all the things of a relationship, so we should just be in one. No! In most cases, men have to make a choice. It works best when men have made the choice to focus on you.”
So which comes first? Wanting THAT woman, or wanting a relationship?
Well according to my friends, wanting the woman comes before the relationship. Guys aren’t so much caught up in titles rather than knowing that this woman is someone they want in their lives. Many times people just know this is who they wanted. The chemistry and the connection was just there. They feel it. They didn’t have to ask questions about where this is going or what they were doing because it was evident.
“I advise against that. Look, check-ins are necessary. We hate that conversation “where is this going?:” because it makes us accountable. And if we know our intentions are not true, then we aren’t going to want to tell you that we are wasting your time because however we are benefiting, we aren’t going to want to give that benefit up.”
At the end of the day, it’s about standards ladies. If we have standards it will force them to have standards we will fall in line. They do what we allow them to do.
“We can find someone who wants to do whatever we want to do and if you have a certain set of standards and we aren’t ready, we are going to go to the woman who has less standards. If we are ready, we will step up to the plate.”